When to Walk Away

 I have applied for the same job a couple of times and I keep getting passed up.  I am a woman of a particular age, color,  and I have two degrees.  Yeah I am salty and know I deserve more than what they are giving me.

So a couple of years ago, my kiddo attempted to commit suicide.  My boss was aware of what was going on because I told him.  I needed him to understand what was going on and I needed grace, which is what they said matter, transparency.  Then these jobs became available that I was not good enough for because I had been written up.  I watched people come after me, succeeding and moving, people that came after me.  And yet, this girl was benched.  

I have tried to do everything I could to make myself viable but it is not being seen.  They keep choosing the white girl.  As if they need any more privilege.  I have two degrees and so close to a PhD that I took a pause on because, why would I need that in my role, as some managers say.

So what  this comes down to is I am VERY upset.  

I have done so much.  I have taken claims I shouldn't because I need the experience, right?

I have taken on being a good team player and have lost sleep for shit that doesn't matter. 

I am done now.  I will not be taking any more claims that do not belong to me.  You people can have them.  And I will never say this company does anything for people of ethnicity.  I am done.  

  

Tuesday Night Meltdown

 Today was rough....

    People will say they have your back.  They do not.  Living in the Midwest for the last 19 years, I have lived here the longest.  I was born on the West Coast, raised in the South and now live in the very boring Midwest.   The Midwest is not a walk-able place.  A car is necessary, so when my vehicle died on me, I felt lost.  I had all these "friends" say, "I got you", "Let me know if you need anything" and on and on and of course when the time came, those offers were retracted.   This is how the Midwest have earned the name "Front-door Friendly".  

    I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to work from home but I do have to go into the office two days per week.  It is a "hybrid" schedule which only certain people have to abide by apparently.  I watch people come and go throughout the day as they please or simply not maintain their hybrid schedules, but my boss is not that flexible.  He really enforces the rule, even though we are supposed to have the flexibility so when incidents occur, we can still work while we manage our personal life.   My car died, I was completely stressed because I know that my manager prefers to maintain our hybrid schedules, come hell or high water and how you get to the office, is all on you. 

    Moving on, the car would not start.  Everybody and their mamma had an opinion on what I needed to do.  They said take the battery to Auto Zone or O Reilly's to have a battery check done,  They said rule out the battery, if it is not the battery, it's the alternator, if not the alternator, it's the starter.  Everyone was a mechanic!  Did any one of those individuals offer a ride to either of those auto shops to have the battery checked, NO!! 

    Now I have people who are offering me all this advice for which I did not ask.  People continue to "offer" jumps like it had not been previously attempted.  I just wanted to yell, "I am not stupid", let's just continue to beat our heads against the brick wall because you obviously have some secretly knowledge on how to do something that no one else does.  I also try to live positively.  I try to put good vibes out there because I cannot do the constant negativity.  You put that vibe out there and that is what you get back.

    I prepared myself for a seven day stretch of not having a vehicle.  I have already put in my two days in the office and I was working from home the rest of the week.  I'm thinking, the weekends always go by fast and I made arrangements to work from home Monday and Tuesday the following week and then Wednesday, my vehicle would be repaired.  Even though I knew we could make it, there is something about not being able to leave at any given moment because you just want to and I never get cabin fever, but by Saturday, I was feeling it and then the guy that I am seeing messaged me requesting for me to accompany him out.  His intention was 100% about getting me out of the house and I ate it up.  ***Remember this for what is to come because my behavior makes no sense.***

    So, we go out and I had the most amazing time.  That night was one of our best "date nights" and I am now refreshed and feeling as though I can make it to Wednesday which is when my car should be repaired.  Keeping up??  So I pretty much rest on Sunday, no biggie cause that is what I usually do.  I worked from home on Monday and Tuesday, both days pretty much chilling on the couch after work and watching This Is Us, which is actually very good.  Tuesday me and the kiddo ordered dinner, the kiddo got Papa Johns and I ordered from the local grocery store and just cooked my meal.  

    The time comes that I need to run an errand, It is Tuesday night.  The tow truck already picked my vehicle up and dropped it off at the auto shop.  I am in the homestretch of this inconvenience.  I attempted to DoorDash what we needed but unfortunately you cannot DoorDash everything and our grocery store stops taking orders through DoorDash 45 minutes prior to closing, we missed our window.  I reached out to these so-called friends to see if one of the many that offered to be there if I needed anything could run me to the store and WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT NO ONE and I MEAN NO ONE was able.  I had one friend, a very close one that depended on me to pick her son up from high school every day while we were all forced to stay home due to COVID.  I have taken this person to appointments of all sorts and took an entire day of work to take her to the hospital to have a surgical procedure that her own boyfriend declined to attend and I stayed with her the entire time.  I was there when she woke up.  I asked her to bring me to a gas station which would have taken all of 15 minutes and she could not.  Now, let me tell you why.    Because she is on pain medication for a broken leg and she decided that she wanted to drink while taking this pain medication. Personal but stupid choice.  

    So I walked to that gas station and do you know what an hour-long walk allows you to do.  Think!!  

I thought for an entire hour and that thinking brought me to the conclusion that I do too much for other people.  I do more for them than they do for me and that no one is ever there for me.  I realized that I am capable and that I did not need anyone.  I also realized that when I am asked to do something for someone and if I cannot, I always politely decline and give a polite explanation but now, and oh starting yesterday my response will be no and the explanation will be because I do not f-bomb want to.

    Now to get to the part that I mentioned earlier about that attitude I had with the guy friend.  I did all my thinking during my walk right and I decided that I am PISSED and someone is going to pay.  This poor guy reached out to me and I cannot even remember what triggered me but I let loose and oh, my mouth was very disrespectful.  Like to the point that he actually called me and was like, WTH.  Now I will not go into a lot of the details but the things I said were true feelings/thoughts/maybe even fears but definitely should have been handled WAY more gently.  

    Bringing us to today.  I got the call from the auto shop that my vehicle was fixed and $1500 later, I have a working vehicle.  While the vehicle only required a new battery to start working again, there were a couple of maintenance things and one preventative that were recommended to maintain the health of my vehicle and I opted to repair it because I need a working vehicle and not having my vehicle for those few days was unbelievably difficult.  Oh and guess how I got there..........I Uber-ed.  That was fun!!  And no, I could not Uber the night before because the store they were trying to take me to were the furthest away, obviously forcing the rates up.  

    I learned a couple of things.  I learned that, in life, you can only truly depend on yourself.  I learned that I have to lower my expectations of others because when people fall short, it is so disappointing.  I learned that I will not give all of myself to anyone ever again, I choose to only give what I receive.  Lastly, I learned how to give an apology, which I know how to do but when I composed my message to my guy friend, apologizing about my over-reaction and explaining that of all the people in my life, he was the one that came through for me and I would never want to hurt or disrespect him in that way ever again.  He accepted my apology;)  

    At the end of the day,  I am human.  I made it all the way until the day before my vehicle was to be repaired to lose my shit.  I lost my shit because I had to hold it together for 6 days prior.  I took tomorrow off to decompress and I already feel better.  I have some "events" coming up, appointments to be vague but they are good and could be life changing and I want to be refreshed and sharp.  I do plan to share those things, but all in good time.

    

 

Gypsy Rose Blanchard- Extra Extra

 I received notification that Gypsy Rose Blanchard was released from prison last Thursday.  She was sentenced to 10 years in prison, after serving 8......and she was the mastermind behind killing her mother. 

Her boyfriend...whatever, Nick something or another is serving life in prison, without parole, for carrying out the crime.  In what world do we live in that the "headhauncho" not get the brunt of the punishment.

Now this girl is getting a lifetime movie about additional accusations she is making against her grandfather.  Now, I would never downgrade a sexual assault, but I do not really trust this girl.  She killed her mother.  She established a relationship with another individual of lower intelligence and convinced him to kill her mother.  AND she somehow got away with it.

Let me break this down:

At the age of 19, or maybe was it 23???, this child was able to somehow make it through, CPS, DHS and all the other services available to the community to address abuse and somehow at 19, wait or was it 23, that we realized this was wrong.  

Bottom line, she murdered someone.  She murder her mother.  Anyone that can murder their mother, I have serious doubts that they can be rehabilitated.  I had a not so great mother, in fact she was down right bad.  I never thought to murder her.  This girl put her plan into action, murdered her mother and pretty much got away with it. 

My thoughts are that we live in such a shitty world.  How could the person who coordinated a murder ever actually be considered to be released.  The courts have put lesser evils on death row and it sounds like the boyfriend got a much harsher sentence.  Privilege, Hm???  I bet you thought you got me.......wink.... and in the case of the man who actually killed the mom, not as much money and mentally incapable of truly knowing what occurred.  Had it not been for Gypsy, would Nick have committed the crime.  I think that is the question no one asked and it is an absolute travesty.  

I cannot believe they let her out.  Again, I say...as a black woman, hmm....I struggle to think that my actions would have been so forgiven.  She deserves to be in prison for the rest of her NATURAL life.  She took another's, actually many but in specific, her boyfriends Nick.  Why should she have any more privileges than he has received. 

Put them both away and lock away the key.  I cannot trust an individual who could ever murder their mother.  She'll do it again.

Scary Thoughts!!

 At 41, I have been engaged twice but married never.  I have never thought of myself as the girl who needed to be married.  Never even thought that I wanted to be married.  As I enter into this new phase in my life, I'm thinking.  Requests for dates are coming fewer and further in between and I am spending more evenings alone or working.

I see friends, both younger and older, getting married and having families and I'm a little bitter.  I cannot even say that I am happy for them because that would be a huge fucking lie.  I had a child with a man that did not value me (sorry, I know it is because I am black and he is white) so it did not happen.  He said I was assertive, that I walked fast, talked fast and stayed in motion.  Nothing I did was something I should have been doing.  He went on to marry the white version of me, but not so good, and lives the miserable life  a Mid-western bred individual believes is the ending result of life.  

What is coming of my entry is that I am so far beyond angry that it literally pisses me off.  When my daughter comes home with a child whose father earns six figures, that child knows and knows enough to vocalize that earning in a public forum, the world is in duress.  When is it ever appropriate to discuss with a child how fortunate they are??  It would only ever be in a sense to make another feel lesser than.

Prior to becoming a mother and no longer being a person who belongs to them-self, I wrote in a journal.  I wrote about the life I lived, my experiences, the guys I saw, the events I attended, the people I knew.  Ones who were impactful; in both a positive and/or negative way. I valued the lessons I learned in every situation, but the ones who taught me the most, were the negative ones.  I find so little joy in day-to-day activities because I am so frustrated with people who have things handed to them.  

How would someone who has had nothing, wake up and face every day when they know they truly have to work to put food on the table, pay a few bills or deliver news to their kids that there will not be a Christmas tree.  They do not get it and never will.  I am not so upset about the ignorance that I witness from day to day, I am more upset that people will always use another's misfortunes against them, and only to shun and shame them into nonexistence.

We live in a world where it is okay for the police to kill people and where country white men can shoot a black man because he is in the wrong place at the wrong time but it was an accident because that was not what was really meant and they aren't racist, but the WHOLE world really just does not get it.  So the world goes on and they walk.  That BLACK person will never walk again.  I have never seen a person be able to get away with the shit they do, but a white woman.  Black women are not valued the same as white women.  White women are to be coddled, cared for, protected and never to be harmed or misused, even when they some times fucking ask for.  

This world is so exhausting, I am tired, overworked and underappreciated.  Why can I not be as special or appreciated as a white woman.  Why does my value degrade while their stock rises.  What in the shit storm kind of world do we live in when any one person's worth is less than their counterparts?  I am so confused.  Maybe that is the way it is always suppose to be.

We have lived through times that have shown that life is not fair.  Like at all.  I can have fifteen degrees and will still not be as valuable as my white counterpart.  I think this world sucks BUT the good thing is that when the end comes, this is what we know:

Luke 16:19-31:

"There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day.  And at his gate lay a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, who longed to satisfy his hunger with what fell from the rich man's table; even the dogs would come and lick his sores.  The poor man died and was carried away by angels to be with Abraham.  The rich man also died and was buried.  In Hades, where he was being tormented, he looked up and saw Abraham from far away with Lazarus by his side.  He called out, "Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue; for I am in agony in these flames." But Abraham said, "Child, remember that during your lifetime you received your good things; but now he is comforted here, and you are in agony."

I have never been one who went to a scripture to prove a point but in this, I have found so much comfort.  I may spend my time in "Hades" with some of the same individuals I despise because I am also the one that cannot wait for the assholes that make this world a shitty place, end up in hell:  Where they belong.

As a child, whenever I did anything that brought hurt or pain, I was asked, "What did WE learn??"  Seriously, WE did not learn a single solitary fucking thing because what we did learn is that, some people were put on this Earth to entertain a few.  So I don't give a damn.  I am a complete and utter bitch and I do it with pride and will hold my head up high until I take my last breath.  With this said, I will still be pissed off at those women who have had it better than me and when we are in hell, living that same life, haha, I will fucking taunt YOU because, """**$$%, YOU"RE IN MY HOUSE NOW!!!""""

Journal Entry 1- Just my thoughts

 So every time I think things are going to be okay, some more shit happens.  I am so mentally drained and exhausted.  I say on more occasions than one that I just want to be happy.  I invested a lot in my future; I went to college, I earned two degrees (almost a PhD) and somehow I have ended up in a role that tests my patience on a daily basis.  I argue with a 14 year old on a daily basis to the point that I have chest pains and I am so tired, every day that I just cannot adult.

Let's bring it back for a moment.  I am a single mother.  I wanted my kiddo to go to a school  that would give her some options and a little bit because they have money, so I moved to Ankeny, IA.  Such a bad decision.  This school district is awful.  The kids do not understand that life is not this perfect bubble that will not pop unless they are full of assholes.  I have had to deal with arguing with my kid every day to get her to get up to go to school.  Then I learned, we don't have to do that; pulled her out and placed her in online school and now I am doing the work of an individual who went to school to teach.

I have had my kiddo call me because I was running behind to pick her up, yell at me because she was threatened by an ass wipe of another black kid that she was going to stab her.  Guess now is a good time to explain that I am black and my kiddos sperm donor is white and we made her.  So many more issues to discuss.

Then there is the fact that Ankeny does not have any single guys that have ever dated outside the race of white.  Now this is annoying to me because a woman is a woman and the fact that people still have issues with interracial date pisses me off.

I am angry.  I am that angry black woman who is tired of having to explain myself.  We are killed off on every occasion and no one feels bad.  NO ONE.  

I am so tired of being disrespected and treated like I do not have feelings and if this continues, it may not end well.

Baby DADDY Drama- It's Real

 From the years of 2001 through 2005, I wrote in a journal.  I took the time every night to write down my feelings regarding what occurred that day.  I came across  this journal a couple days ago as I was purging things and realized that I was a hypertensive, girl who fell in love with everyone I ever met.

I do believe that there is a perfect person out there for every person and I do believe that the timing has to be right.  As per our last conversation, I am living in a moment. I am semi-seeing someone.   I truly care about this person and if the stars align, he could be that person.  We hit a rough spot due to circumstances outside any of my control.  I pulled out my new diary and decided I need to decompress in some ways but truly because no matter what the documents state, I am always willing to share my life. 

So I am currently in a situation with a guy that is going through some things and, without asking, but me knowing, I find myself attempting to navigate through some drama that FOR ONCE, truly has nothing to do with me.  I do not know what to do because I can never say that there is a part of me that can never and will never care about this person.  There is not a part of me that does not know that this is not the person for me.  At what point do I take the hint and just let things go for the betterment of my soul.

Well....I would never do anything illegal or sacrifice my life with my kid.  We have worked so hard to get to the place where her trust means more to me than any other single solitary thing.  I have had the life that specifies that I will always have to do more than my counterpart because as a black woman, we are never good enough.  I have things happen to me that are beyond the imagination of any sane person, but I get up and I push on because I do not have the time or ability to sit back and be sad or concerned with things that truly aren't there to make me happy.

I do understand that there are some people out there that just shit the pot, it is what it is.  I just wish that someone would see me for the true beauty that I am and not hold past decisions or  choices against me.  My daughter is of white and multi-black descendant and we discuss things all the time.  I moved to a city where she could have a good education and we sacrificed alot.  Now I know; you must be saying, sacrifice, ??? de loco sacrifice; but I know I did what I had to do to take care of my kid.  Now her dad is sitting in a home with a wife and two kids and pays nothing for child support.  He is ex-military and when I brought his behavior to the attention of the military, they never responded to me.  In fact, they said, to him , and his shady attorney, that had the email I sent to them not have fallen on the right eyes, his military career would have been ruined.  What career did he ever have because he never wanted to be there in the first place??  He was always about convenience and what would work for him.  Had I not done what his mamma wanted, he would have never renewed his contract and would not be a retired veteran with the military. 

Bit I guess they take the lowest scum of the earth so happy for them.

Here is the deal.  I was never with him because it would have benefited me.  Trust and believe, I made more money than him.  Because of him, I have so much less respect for white people because there is never a moment when they actually care about anything outside what is going on in their life.  I'm sure someone will tell me if they think I am wrong and I truly could not care less, but I have worked hard on my own.  Through dealing with DHS issues because my daughters dad locked her in a basement until it was time to bring her home, not eating or feeling any love , and to having to deal with working two jobs to catch up, knowing her dad is claiming her and hasn't seen or reached out to her because it is in a damn custody agreement and he feels owned.  

You know what, this kid, not wanting ANYTHING to do with him so how GREAT of a mom I am.  

Name This Site!!!

So, my life has changed quite a bit from when I first attempted to get this going. 

I need to re-brand and come up with a new name for my blog.

I am taking feedback and want your input. 

Please tell me what you think by commenting on one of my prior posts.  

~Bella