Today was rough....
People will say they have your back. They do not. Living in the Midwest for the last 19 years, I have lived here the longest. I was born on the West Coast, raised in the South and now live in the very boring Midwest. The Midwest is not a walk-able place. A car is necessary, so when my vehicle died on me, I felt lost. I had all these "friends" say, "I got you", "Let me know if you need anything" and on and on and of course when the time came, those offers were retracted. This is how the Midwest have earned the name "Front-door Friendly".
I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to work from home but I do have to go into the office two days per week. It is a "hybrid" schedule which only certain people have to abide by apparently. I watch people come and go throughout the day as they please or simply not maintain their hybrid schedules, but my boss is not that flexible. He really enforces the rule, even though we are supposed to have the flexibility so when incidents occur, we can still work while we manage our personal life. My car died, I was completely stressed because I know that my manager prefers to maintain our hybrid schedules, come hell or high water and how you get to the office, is all on you.
Moving on, the car would not start. Everybody and their mamma had an opinion on what I needed to do. They said take the battery to Auto Zone or O Reilly's to have a battery check done, They said rule out the battery, if it is not the battery, it's the alternator, if not the alternator, it's the starter. Everyone was a mechanic! Did any one of those individuals offer a ride to either of those auto shops to have the battery checked, NO!!
Now I have people who are offering me all this advice for which I did not ask. People continue to "offer" jumps like it had not been previously attempted. I just wanted to yell, "I am not stupid", let's just continue to beat our heads against the brick wall because you obviously have some secretly knowledge on how to do something that no one else does. I also try to live positively. I try to put good vibes out there because I cannot do the constant negativity. You put that vibe out there and that is what you get back.
I prepared myself for a seven day stretch of not having a vehicle. I have already put in my two days in the office and I was working from home the rest of the week. I'm thinking, the weekends always go by fast and I made arrangements to work from home Monday and Tuesday the following week and then Wednesday, my vehicle would be repaired. Even though I knew we could make it, there is something about not being able to leave at any given moment because you just want to and I never get cabin fever, but by Saturday, I was feeling it and then the guy that I am seeing messaged me requesting for me to accompany him out. His intention was 100% about getting me out of the house and I ate it up. ***Remember this for what is to come because my behavior makes no sense.***
So, we go out and I had the most amazing time. That night was one of our best "date nights" and I am now refreshed and feeling as though I can make it to Wednesday which is when my car should be repaired. Keeping up?? So I pretty much rest on Sunday, no biggie cause that is what I usually do. I worked from home on Monday and Tuesday, both days pretty much chilling on the couch after work and watching This Is Us, which is actually very good. Tuesday me and the kiddo ordered dinner, the kiddo got Papa Johns and I ordered from the local grocery store and just cooked my meal.
The time comes that I need to run an errand, It is Tuesday night. The tow truck already picked my vehicle up and dropped it off at the auto shop. I am in the homestretch of this inconvenience. I attempted to DoorDash what we needed but unfortunately you cannot DoorDash everything and our grocery store stops taking orders through DoorDash 45 minutes prior to closing, we missed our window. I reached out to these so-called friends to see if one of the many that offered to be there if I needed anything could run me to the store and WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT NO ONE and I MEAN NO ONE was able. I had one friend, a very close one that depended on me to pick her son up from high school every day while we were all forced to stay home due to COVID. I have taken this person to appointments of all sorts and took an entire day of work to take her to the hospital to have a surgical procedure that her own boyfriend declined to attend and I stayed with her the entire time. I was there when she woke up. I asked her to bring me to a gas station which would have taken all of 15 minutes and she could not. Now, let me tell you why. Because she is on pain medication for a broken leg and she decided that she wanted to drink while taking this pain medication. Personal but stupid choice.
So I walked to that gas station and do you know what an hour-long walk allows you to do. Think!!
I thought for an entire hour and that thinking brought me to the conclusion that I do too much for other people. I do more for them than they do for me and that no one is ever there for me. I realized that I am capable and that I did not need anyone. I also realized that when I am asked to do something for someone and if I cannot, I always politely decline and give a polite explanation but now, and oh starting yesterday my response will be no and the explanation will be because I do not f-bomb want to.
Now to get to the part that I mentioned earlier about that attitude I had with the guy friend. I did all my thinking during my walk right and I decided that I am PISSED and someone is going to pay. This poor guy reached out to me and I cannot even remember what triggered me but I let loose and oh, my mouth was very disrespectful. Like to the point that he actually called me and was like, WTH. Now I will not go into a lot of the details but the things I said were true feelings/thoughts/maybe even fears but definitely should have been handled WAY more gently.
Bringing us to today. I got the call from the auto shop that my vehicle was fixed and $1500 later, I have a working vehicle. While the vehicle only required a new battery to start working again, there were a couple of maintenance things and one preventative that were recommended to maintain the health of my vehicle and I opted to repair it because I need a working vehicle and not having my vehicle for those few days was unbelievably difficult. Oh and guess how I got there..........I Uber-ed. That was fun!! And no, I could not Uber the night before because the store they were trying to take me to were the furthest away, obviously forcing the rates up.
I learned a couple of things. I learned that, in life, you can only truly depend on yourself. I learned that I have to lower my expectations of others because when people fall short, it is so disappointing. I learned that I will not give all of myself to anyone ever again, I choose to only give what I receive. Lastly, I learned how to give an apology, which I know how to do but when I composed my message to my guy friend, apologizing about my over-reaction and explaining that of all the people in my life, he was the one that came through for me and I would never want to hurt or disrespect him in that way ever again. He accepted my apology;)
At the end of the day, I am human. I made it all the way until the day before my vehicle was to be repaired to lose my shit. I lost my shit because I had to hold it together for 6 days prior. I took tomorrow off to decompress and I already feel better. I have some "events" coming up, appointments to be vague but they are good and could be life changing and I want to be refreshed and sharp. I do plan to share those things, but all in good time.
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