Journal Entry 1- Just my thoughts

 So every time I think things are going to be okay, some more shit happens.  I am so mentally drained and exhausted.  I say on more occasions than one that I just want to be happy.  I invested a lot in my future; I went to college, I earned two degrees (almost a PhD) and somehow I have ended up in a role that tests my patience on a daily basis.  I argue with a 14 year old on a daily basis to the point that I have chest pains and I am so tired, every day that I just cannot adult.

Let's bring it back for a moment.  I am a single mother.  I wanted my kiddo to go to a school  that would give her some options and a little bit because they have money, so I moved to Ankeny, IA.  Such a bad decision.  This school district is awful.  The kids do not understand that life is not this perfect bubble that will not pop unless they are full of assholes.  I have had to deal with arguing with my kid every day to get her to get up to go to school.  Then I learned, we don't have to do that; pulled her out and placed her in online school and now I am doing the work of an individual who went to school to teach.

I have had my kiddo call me because I was running behind to pick her up, yell at me because she was threatened by an ass wipe of another black kid that she was going to stab her.  Guess now is a good time to explain that I am black and my kiddos sperm donor is white and we made her.  So many more issues to discuss.

Then there is the fact that Ankeny does not have any single guys that have ever dated outside the race of white.  Now this is annoying to me because a woman is a woman and the fact that people still have issues with interracial date pisses me off.

I am angry.  I am that angry black woman who is tired of having to explain myself.  We are killed off on every occasion and no one feels bad.  NO ONE.  

I am so tired of being disrespected and treated like I do not have feelings and if this continues, it may not end well.

Baby DADDY Drama- It's Real

 From the years of 2001 through 2005, I wrote in a journal.  I took the time every night to write down my feelings regarding what occurred that day.  I came across  this journal a couple days ago as I was purging things and realized that I was a hypertensive, girl who fell in love with everyone I ever met.

I do believe that there is a perfect person out there for every person and I do believe that the timing has to be right.  As per our last conversation, I am living in a moment. I am semi-seeing someone.   I truly care about this person and if the stars align, he could be that person.  We hit a rough spot due to circumstances outside any of my control.  I pulled out my new diary and decided I need to decompress in some ways but truly because no matter what the documents state, I am always willing to share my life. 

So I am currently in a situation with a guy that is going through some things and, without asking, but me knowing, I find myself attempting to navigate through some drama that FOR ONCE, truly has nothing to do with me.  I do not know what to do because I can never say that there is a part of me that can never and will never care about this person.  There is not a part of me that does not know that this is not the person for me.  At what point do I take the hint and just let things go for the betterment of my soul.

Well....I would never do anything illegal or sacrifice my life with my kid.  We have worked so hard to get to the place where her trust means more to me than any other single solitary thing.  I have had the life that specifies that I will always have to do more than my counterpart because as a black woman, we are never good enough.  I have things happen to me that are beyond the imagination of any sane person, but I get up and I push on because I do not have the time or ability to sit back and be sad or concerned with things that truly aren't there to make me happy.

I do understand that there are some people out there that just shit the pot, it is what it is.  I just wish that someone would see me for the true beauty that I am and not hold past decisions or  choices against me.  My daughter is of white and multi-black descendant and we discuss things all the time.  I moved to a city where she could have a good education and we sacrificed alot.  Now I know; you must be saying, sacrifice, ??? de loco sacrifice; but I know I did what I had to do to take care of my kid.  Now her dad is sitting in a home with a wife and two kids and pays nothing for child support.  He is ex-military and when I brought his behavior to the attention of the military, they never responded to me.  In fact, they said, to him , and his shady attorney, that had the email I sent to them not have fallen on the right eyes, his military career would have been ruined.  What career did he ever have because he never wanted to be there in the first place??  He was always about convenience and what would work for him.  Had I not done what his mamma wanted, he would have never renewed his contract and would not be a retired veteran with the military. 

Bit I guess they take the lowest scum of the earth so happy for them.

Here is the deal.  I was never with him because it would have benefited me.  Trust and believe, I made more money than him.  Because of him, I have so much less respect for white people because there is never a moment when they actually care about anything outside what is going on in their life.  I'm sure someone will tell me if they think I am wrong and I truly could not care less, but I have worked hard on my own.  Through dealing with DHS issues because my daughters dad locked her in a basement until it was time to bring her home, not eating or feeling any love , and to having to deal with working two jobs to catch up, knowing her dad is claiming her and hasn't seen or reached out to her because it is in a damn custody agreement and he feels owned.  

You know what, this kid, not wanting ANYTHING to do with him so how GREAT of a mom I am.  

Name This Site!!!

So, my life has changed quite a bit from when I first attempted to get this going. 

I need to re-brand and come up with a new name for my blog.

I am taking feedback and want your input. 

Please tell me what you think by commenting on one of my prior posts.  

~Bella

New Adventure

   41 years later, I have to say that I could potentially be in the best place.  I have spent the last 14, hmm maybe 15 years being a mom (pregnancy counts).  Out of the blue, I reached out to an old high school friend that I was kind of crushing on.....we both crushed but that is neither here nor there. 

Anyway, it was the best message I have ever sent.  We have always been friends and that is something that will never change.  This new thing that is happening, is so much better.

So as it goes, much like my other post...the question is.......Is falling in love while long-distance dating safe?

    We live about 5 hours away from one another.  Sexy as I have never seen before, perfect in every way possible...for me.  The kicker is, I just want to spend time with this person as adults, but it is obvious that distance poses a problem for us.  I could totally fall in love with this person.  He is the perfect balance for me.  He is compassionate, loving, caring, attentive, assertive, goal-oriented (like me), and makes me feel safe.  Those are all my must haves.  He checks all the boxes and then some.  Perfect on paper, right!!!

    This blog goes from one extreme to the next because I use to discuss the difficulties of dating in Iowa while having a kid and that it is so incredibly difficult to find someone who is accepting of ALL the baggage that comes with it.  With him, I do not feel all the anxiety, concerns or trust issues that I have had in previous relationships.  That says a lot!! I am in a good place.  I am feeling like all those failed relationships have been the pre-show for what I am hoping is to be the main event. 

Wish me luck!

       

Time to get RAW

 Let's be honest, I hate people.

I am good with them and know what good customer service is, but the bottom line is I simply do not care. 

I spend 95% of my time catering to people.  No one ever stops to think about how their actions make me feel.  I lay in bed thinking of choices, contemplating if I hurt someone and how I can make it better, but what I am fast learning is; those same people that you gave a damn about, are not losing a wink or sleep wondering if they hurt you......

So, here I am.  So open, honest and not so very apologetic.  I cannot care if an earlier conversation hurts you.  All I can do is hope it doesn't jeopardize business.  We all know that is what it was about to begin with.

Not Dating 101.....What not to do

 I find myself being approached by people that, its a no for. Don't make them wrong. Just not for me.

Dude, I am a girl...I don't want to be alone. At what point and I putting a foot in my mouth.

The answer....NEVER.

Why,.... because we can always choose ......freedom of speech.

I had led many along a path that I would rather travel alone.  

So where do we go and honestly I do not know.  I have no answers other than never give up hope. 

I wake up every day hoping for something different, and I never get it.

Guess I have to try again.

Dating in Iowa

 So for a lack of better words, ....it sucks

There is no diversity, no other race, no anything really so moving on.

i have lived here since 2005 and it has never changed, it is all redneck, backwoods, nonsense.

Even in corporate america, it's difficult. So hard. There is no empathy for anything that doesn't look like you and trust there isn't much. 

I had my mid year today and realized sometimes things don't change. Let's just just wait until they are kneeling on you...and you can't breathe.

Do I have to have blonde hair and blue eyes for you to care?

Why am I the one you hate, ALWAYS?

Why are those girls the ones you all run to??

My kid has to deal with those stupid, unsympathetic,fu**, thoughts.

~~~~Barbara