Journal Entry 1- Just my thoughts

 So every time I think things are going to be okay, some more shit happens.  I am so mentally drained and exhausted.  I say on more occasions than one that I just want to be happy.  I invested a lot in my future; I went to college, I earned two degrees (almost a PhD) and somehow I have ended up in a role that tests my patience on a daily basis.  I argue with a 14 year old on a daily basis to the point that I have chest pains and I am so tired, every day that I just cannot adult.

Let's bring it back for a moment.  I am a single mother.  I wanted my kiddo to go to a school  that would give her some options and a little bit because they have money, so I moved to Ankeny, IA.  Such a bad decision.  This school district is awful.  The kids do not understand that life is not this perfect bubble that will not pop unless they are full of assholes.  I have had to deal with arguing with my kid every day to get her to get up to go to school.  Then I learned, we don't have to do that; pulled her out and placed her in online school and now I am doing the work of an individual who went to school to teach.

I have had my kiddo call me because I was running behind to pick her up, yell at me because she was threatened by an ass wipe of another black kid that she was going to stab her.  Guess now is a good time to explain that I am black and my kiddos sperm donor is white and we made her.  So many more issues to discuss.

Then there is the fact that Ankeny does not have any single guys that have ever dated outside the race of white.  Now this is annoying to me because a woman is a woman and the fact that people still have issues with interracial date pisses me off.

I am angry.  I am that angry black woman who is tired of having to explain myself.  We are killed off on every occasion and no one feels bad.  NO ONE.  

I am so tired of being disrespected and treated like I do not have feelings and if this continues, it may not end well.

Baby DADDY Drama- It's Real

 From the years of 2001 through 2005, I wrote in a journal.  I took the time every night to write down my feelings regarding what occurred that day.  I came across  this journal a couple days ago as I was purging things and realized that I was a hypertensive, girl who fell in love with everyone I ever met.

I do believe that there is a perfect person out there for every person and I do believe that the timing has to be right.  As per our last conversation, I am living in a moment. I am semi-seeing someone.   I truly care about this person and if the stars align, he could be that person.  We hit a rough spot due to circumstances outside any of my control.  I pulled out my new diary and decided I need to decompress in some ways but truly because no matter what the documents state, I am always willing to share my life. 

So I am currently in a situation with a guy that is going through some things and, without asking, but me knowing, I find myself attempting to navigate through some drama that FOR ONCE, truly has nothing to do with me.  I do not know what to do because I can never say that there is a part of me that can never and will never care about this person.  There is not a part of me that does not know that this is not the person for me.  At what point do I take the hint and just let things go for the betterment of my soul.

Well....I would never do anything illegal or sacrifice my life with my kid.  We have worked so hard to get to the place where her trust means more to me than any other single solitary thing.  I have had the life that specifies that I will always have to do more than my counterpart because as a black woman, we are never good enough.  I have things happen to me that are beyond the imagination of any sane person, but I get up and I push on because I do not have the time or ability to sit back and be sad or concerned with things that truly aren't there to make me happy.

I do understand that there are some people out there that just shit the pot, it is what it is.  I just wish that someone would see me for the true beauty that I am and not hold past decisions or  choices against me.  My daughter is of white and multi-black descendant and we discuss things all the time.  I moved to a city where she could have a good education and we sacrificed alot.  Now I know; you must be saying, sacrifice, ??? de loco sacrifice; but I know I did what I had to do to take care of my kid.  Now her dad is sitting in a home with a wife and two kids and pays nothing for child support.  He is ex-military and when I brought his behavior to the attention of the military, they never responded to me.  In fact, they said, to him , and his shady attorney, that had the email I sent to them not have fallen on the right eyes, his military career would have been ruined.  What career did he ever have because he never wanted to be there in the first place??  He was always about convenience and what would work for him.  Had I not done what his mamma wanted, he would have never renewed his contract and would not be a retired veteran with the military. 

Bit I guess they take the lowest scum of the earth so happy for them.

Here is the deal.  I was never with him because it would have benefited me.  Trust and believe, I made more money than him.  Because of him, I have so much less respect for white people because there is never a moment when they actually care about anything outside what is going on in their life.  I'm sure someone will tell me if they think I am wrong and I truly could not care less, but I have worked hard on my own.  Through dealing with DHS issues because my daughters dad locked her in a basement until it was time to bring her home, not eating or feeling any love , and to having to deal with working two jobs to catch up, knowing her dad is claiming her and hasn't seen or reached out to her because it is in a damn custody agreement and he feels owned.  

You know what, this kid, not wanting ANYTHING to do with him so how GREAT of a mom I am.