At 41, I have been engaged twice but married never. I have never thought of myself as the girl who needed to be married. Never even thought that I wanted to be married. As I enter into this new phase in my life, I'm thinking. Requests for dates are coming fewer and further in between and I am spending more evenings alone or working.
I see friends, both younger and older, getting married and having families and I'm a little bitter. I cannot even say that I am happy for them because that would be a huge fucking lie. I had a child with a man that did not value me (sorry, I know it is because I am black and he is white) so it did not happen. He said I was assertive, that I walked fast, talked fast and stayed in motion. Nothing I did was something I should have been doing. He went on to marry the white version of me, but not so good, and lives the miserable life a Mid-western bred individual believes is the ending result of life.
What is coming of my entry is that I am so far beyond angry that it literally pisses me off. When my daughter comes home with a child whose father earns six figures, that child knows and knows enough to vocalize that earning in a public forum, the world is in duress. When is it ever appropriate to discuss with a child how fortunate they are?? It would only ever be in a sense to make another feel lesser than.
Prior to becoming a mother and no longer being a person who belongs to them-self, I wrote in a journal. I wrote about the life I lived, my experiences, the guys I saw, the events I attended, the people I knew. Ones who were impactful; in both a positive and/or negative way. I valued the lessons I learned in every situation, but the ones who taught me the most, were the negative ones. I find so little joy in day-to-day activities because I am so frustrated with people who have things handed to them.
How would someone who has had nothing, wake up and face every day when they know they truly have to work to put food on the table, pay a few bills or deliver news to their kids that there will not be a Christmas tree. They do not get it and never will. I am not so upset about the ignorance that I witness from day to day, I am more upset that people will always use another's misfortunes against them, and only to shun and shame them into nonexistence.
We live in a world where it is okay for the police to kill people and where country white men can shoot a black man because he is in the wrong place at the wrong time but it was an accident because that was not what was really meant and they aren't racist, but the WHOLE world really just does not get it. So the world goes on and they walk. That BLACK person will never walk again. I have never seen a person be able to get away with the shit they do, but a white woman. Black women are not valued the same as white women. White women are to be coddled, cared for, protected and never to be harmed or misused, even when they some times fucking ask for.
This world is so exhausting, I am tired, overworked and underappreciated. Why can I not be as special or appreciated as a white woman. Why does my value degrade while their stock rises. What in the shit storm kind of world do we live in when any one person's worth is less than their counterparts? I am so confused. Maybe that is the way it is always suppose to be.
We have lived through times that have shown that life is not fair. Like at all. I can have fifteen degrees and will still not be as valuable as my white counterpart. I think this world sucks BUT the good thing is that when the end comes, this is what we know:
Luke 16:19-31:
"There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. And at his gate lay a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, who longed to satisfy his hunger with what fell from the rich man's table; even the dogs would come and lick his sores. The poor man died and was carried away by angels to be with Abraham. The rich man also died and was buried. In Hades, where he was being tormented, he looked up and saw Abraham from far away with Lazarus by his side. He called out, "Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue; for I am in agony in these flames." But Abraham said, "Child, remember that during your lifetime you received your good things; but now he is comforted here, and you are in agony."
I have never been one who went to a scripture to prove a point but in this, I have found so much comfort. I may spend my time in "Hades" with some of the same individuals I despise because I am also the one that cannot wait for the assholes that make this world a shitty place, end up in hell: Where they belong.
As a child, whenever I did anything that brought hurt or pain, I was asked, "What did WE learn??" Seriously, WE did not learn a single solitary fucking thing because what we did learn is that, some people were put on this Earth to entertain a few. So I don't give a damn. I am a complete and utter bitch and I do it with pride and will hold my head up high until I take my last breath. With this said, I will still be pissed off at those women who have had it better than me and when we are in hell, living that same life, haha, I will fucking taunt YOU because, """**$$%, YOU"RE IN MY HOUSE NOW!!!""""
